40

I have been a journal keeper all my life.

I started my first journal in 1986 after I watched a segment on a TV about some dude that had thousands of pages of journals from decades or putting daily thoughts to paper. I thought that was a swell idea. I got a notebook and started writing.

The ramblings of 13 year old now seem pretty petty and goofy.

Actually it's funny because these rambling didn't change much for a lot of years.

Even today I go back and read some of the pages and find interesting incite into who and am and how I think. Today I am thankful for all the pages that I wrote, by hand, over all those years.

One thing that I always noticed about myself in, on again off again, memoirs is that I always seem to write a lot around my birthday. For some reason I seem to be more introspective around my birthday.

My constant search for answers always gets more frustrating when I celebrate another trip around the sun.

So here I go again.

I was born 40 years ago today.

Yep, the big 4 - 0.

I think this is a pretty important day and I think I know why. The search for meaning is getting more important now because life is now getting to be in the second half.

I think I know why a lot of men have a "mid-life crisis". When we are young we keep thinking "I can do that later" or "there is still time" and we think that way because it is true. We haven't reached the turn around point yet in our 20's and 30's. Gosh I have time to do...

As we get into our late 30's and early 40's we start to realize that the years that we always thought we had in front of us are now behind us. Our bodies start to give up on us, our kids grow older, the mounting failures start to become out legacy, the "someday I will" has become "I didn't..." and we start to give up the ship as we take on more and more water; to tired to keep bailing....

The idealistic life we led when we were young fades away. The promises we made to ourselves at kids start to get broken one by one. "I'll never get divorced...I'll never declare bankruptcy...I'll never..."

We break one promise then another until there are no more left and we lift our head up at 40 and wonder "What have I done?"

So here I am at 40. I went through that period of my life. I lost a business, I lost a house, I lost a marriage....

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Was that my mid-life crisis?

Or perhaps I woke up one day a few years ago and realized that my ladder was on the wrong wall and I needed to make some major changes?

The last few years there have been some struggles. I own that. I take responsibility for that. I have grown from that.

When you til a field and replant it takes time to see the fruits of your labor.

I am seeing the fruits of my labor.

The life that had fallen apart in an instant is now growing again.

It's growing back BETTER than before.

Now I have a life filled with hope and promise. I have a wife that is every bit as loving and supportive as she is stunning and beautiful. I have friends that support me through thick and thin and I am making a difference in the lives of many people.

As I turn 40 years old I look inside of me as I always do around April 22nd. I see something different this time.

I see hope.

I see a bright future. I see a connection between where I am and where I want to be. In years past it's been a search for meaning. Now I see and feel the meaning.

I feel that I have purpose and I feel like there is a reason for me being here.

Am I complete? Am I done? Absolutely not.

Am I in my second half? Time wise maybe but today I truly believe that I now have more to do and give then I have done and given in the past.

The birthdays of regrets and wonder have turned around for me. Now it's all about grateful for what I have and being eager to go get what I want.

I have done a lot in my life. I know now that there is a lot more to do. I may be 40 but I feel like I'm 20 and I am a hell of a lot more mature and smarter. I know where I am going and more importantly I know where I have been .

You think I have done a lot in my first 40 years? Wait till you see what I do next...

I can and I will. Watch me.

Run away

I went for a run today.

It wasn't a long run. It wasn't even a fast run. It was just a run. Another day of running in a life filled with many days of running. I run to think, reflect and simply BE.

I've always been a runner and I have always loved to run. At times I have been pretty good at it. There are some fast times on my score sheet. There are lot's of memories of competitions, victories and defeats.

But that is not why I run.

Being a runner is more than the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. Sometimes it's simply a time to be who I am.

I remember when my dad was sick and I went to visit him in New England. It was the middle of the winter but I headed out the door everyday for a run. It was a time to think and reflect. Those were some amazing runs.

I too remember going for a couple of the runs when I returned home for my dad's memorial service. It was another time to be and to reflect. So many memories about my dad involved me running. Those were also some amazing runs.

Running helped me to heal way back in 1999 when my cousin Becky died. For the first time in my life I experienced the loss of a loved one. The hurt was so deep but somehow going for a run everyday helped me to heal and become whole again. Often times those runs were on the verge of tears and slow as can be but that never mattered. I was running, I was free and I was me.

The runs weren't always sad or reflective.

When I lived in Colorado I remember running to the high point on the west side of town to get the best view of the mountains when the snow first fell in the fall. I couldn't be there but at least I could see the peaks. This brought joy and peace.

When my son was little I remember some slow and exhausting runs. It always felt good to get out there and run even on just a couple of hours of sleep.

Sometimes I ran a lot. One week a few years back I decided to run 100 miles in a single week. I had to run 18 miles on a Sunday but I did it. I also remember a few years back when I run 4 miles per day for an entire year. Those miles weren't pretty but I accomplished something that was a challenging and meant something to me.

Running has always helped me to grow.

Running has, for good or for bad, defined me.

It does pain me to know that I am not fast like I used to be. I have accepted that however. I know am more appreciative of running in general and what it does for me just when I do it and not just when I am fast.

The memories of the races won are there and can never be taken from me.

The memory of the school record in the mile that stood for 18 years; it's still there.

The time that I led my team to a state title and the other time I led my team to a state title; parts of me that will never be taken away.

Crossing the finish line to hear the words, "Rick Copley YOU ARE AN IRONMAN". Words, visions and memories that can never be taken away.

Running has done a lot for me. Running has helped to mold and define me. All the runs and memories have a place in my heart and in my soul. That's pretty cool but at the end of the day, when all is quite and the reflection begins... do you know what I am most thankful for?

Tomorrow I can get up and run again and create another memory from a run....